Inner pain
by narjy x x x
Summary: When darkness clouds over the school of spence and betrayel is at high, who can Gemma trust? can she trust herself? *revised*


**Alright, so I know that on my profile it said that I wasn't going to continue this story but it crept up on me and in the end, I chose to completely edit it. I'd think that my writing has gotten at least a little better from a year and a bit ago so I've completely re-started. This is the revised chapter one, and as people have read the last one, they'd know that it is very different. My previous attempt at 'Inner pain' had been one of a love-struck girl who wanted to write romance. I'd like to say that girl has grown up a little, though there will still be romance. Well, one with the show and thanks to those sticking with me so far!**

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I am running in the realms. I can feel the dry residue of flowers crunch beneath my bare feet. Stray stones come in my way, tripping me, slowing me down. I grab at the green roots of some flower, pulling my heavy body up and up, intent on getting to my destination. I hear her behind me, laughing in ecstasy and my body is upright, running once more. I tear through the trees, my door of light just out of reach and yet whenever I reach it, the door eludes me, forcing me to push my body to its limit. Dark clouds rumble threateningly on a washed-out sky, goading me into submission. Another sly root slithers its way into my path, tripping me once more but before I have time to get up once more, she is upon me.

Pippa; with her once lustrous ringlets lank and lifeless atop her head, her sallow skin pale and her pin-prick eyes of a washed-out blue, she wiped a tear from her cheek.

"Oh Gems. You took my beauty away. How could you?" I attempt to rise but her grip on my arms is iron, and though she is light above me, her strength is supernatural. What to do?

"I-"Before I could say anything more, Nell Hawkins appears behind Pippa, standing, pointing an accusing finger my way.

"You couldn't save me! Traitor!" I close my eyes, wanting desperately to erase the image of her distraught face from my mind. Two cold, nimble fingers pry my eyes open, and I recognise the face that hovers just above my own; Felicity. Her delicate features scrunch up in anger and she screams into my face,

"Gemma. You failure! Everything you touch is destroyed!" I open my mouth again, to try and explain, to do something to stop her cold, hard eyes from staring at me but I see someone else coming out from the flowers. Kartik. He comes to me, and all the others fall away; he bends down, caresses my face with a rough, work-toughened hand and smiles a small, sad smile.

"In the end, you will lose everything you hold dear." A scream rips from my throat and the world disappears into darkness.

I wake up, quite suddenly, to the sound of Ann's soft snoring. My face is drenched with sweat and I wipe it clumsily with a shaky hand. That particular dream has been haunting me for several weeks now; it is painful. Every time I wake, it is with a sense of dread, of a foreboding so great it has me reeling.

Usually I am able to go back to a dreamless sleep but something nags at me, stopping me from closing my eyes. Looking out of the window, I see that the moon is full but somehow this light is not reassuring, but rather makes me feel naked and weak. Nevertheless I get up from my bed, my coarse chemise dragging along the floor. I do not know what makes me do this and I see nothing but Spence forest yet something still calls to me.

I know it is a bad idea but I ignore the sudden pounding of my heart and hastily put on my coat, closing the door slowly so that neither Ann nor the housekeeper hears me leave.

It is unbearably cold outside, so much so that I clutch the coat tighter about me and curse my idiocy for not bringing my hat and under robe. I do not know what I am searching for yet I stand just on the outskirts of the forest, watching.

It has been two months since I last saw Kartik and it bothers me so; without the financial support of the Rakshana he is worse off than a gypsy: where was he now? Had the Rakshana caught up with him? Though I rejected what he offered me I was worried: I feel the power of the dark growing every passing day and I pray that he isn't in the middle of some dreadful trouble.

I had not entered the Realms for a while now. It is cowardly of me but I am scared: scared of what I wil find. The creatures I have promised power to will no doubt want it yet I know nothing, I trust nothing. What will become of me? Of Felicity and Ann? Even they are rather weary of entering the Realms but lately they have ignored that fear and want to go. How will I be able-

Snap.

I freeze, holding my breath and listening to the sounds around me. There it is again: a deliberate crackle of twigs, as though someone is not watching where they are stepping.

Fear paralyses my legs but when I see the flash of a dark cloak coming out of the trees it has me turning around and running back to Spence.

Of all the stupid, irresponsible things I could have done, this tops my list. What if it is the Rakshana? Without the Realm I can not use my powers. Or worse, what if it is something from the Winterlands?

I hear it behind me, the sound of running and know that I won't make it to the school so I do the only thing plausible in such a situation: I turn around and use the person's momentum to push him to the ground, me on top. If the headmistress is here, she probably would have had a very bad case of hernia but the situation called for it and I didn't give a flying fig if I was acting in a un-lady-like manner when I may die.

The person under me struggles but I pin him down, acting on instinct alone. My brief surge of strength lasts approximately three seconds, for the attacker grabs me and turns me over, pinning both of my hands to the floor and holding me down with his legs.

I am going to die. Or I will be ravaged, I am not quite sure which saddens me the most.

"Miss Doyle?" the voice is disbelieving and deep, and I look into the eyes of my assailent for the first time.

That warm, brown colour crowned with a halo of thick, dark eyelashes…

"Kartik!" my relief at seeing him and at knowing that my situation is no longer dier makes me forget myself, for without thinking I fling my arms around his neck, burying my face into his cloak. He smells just like I remembered: of spices and rich cinnamon.

"Oh I missed you so much. Where were you? Are you alright? Have you been hurt?" I ceased my babbling when I realised what scarlet woman I was being. In the next second I am back on the floor, face appropriately heating and refusing to meet his gaze.

"My, my; if I knew I would get this reception each time I was away, I would have gone away more often." That rakish, deep voice is laughing and when I risk a look at his face, he is smiling. He gets off me-thank the lord- and holds out a hand for me to take it but I ignore it and clumsily get up myself, dusting my coat.

"It was- I was merely being polite." It is the worse excuse one can dream up but I am still embarrassed and my thoughts are not functioning properly.

"Well, it is as the saying goes: 'being away makes the heart grow fonder." That grin again, the nerve.

I right myself, ignoring the flutter of my stomach.

"Absence makes the heart grow fonder Kartik, and by the way, the only thing I miss is squash on Tuesdays with Felicity. What are you doing here?" I am proud that my voice is strong- like those actresses my brother always puts down. He shifts his weight from one foot to the other and he loses the carefree demeaner.

"The Rakshana are looking for me and I have very little money. Any work I may have aquired is destroyed the moment a Rakshana official appears so I am living on meagre supplies. Gypsy camp is not far from here and I have been forced to join them again." By the light of the moon I see his jaw clench. With this temporary light I am able to see his face clearly for a moment; there is a light dusting of hair around his jaw and he seemed to have gotten thinner.

He is still so handsome I have trouble forming a coherent sentence. It wasn't fair, why could he have not been a rich, English man? Then, we may be able to be together.

He looks at me, waiting for an answer, and I think: no, he will never be English. He is too rash, too intense, too…Kartik.

"Well, what is it that you would like me to do about it? I have no money available to me and if I keep you in my room the housekeeper will have a fit." I cross my arms over my chest, feeling self conscious. He rubs a hand over his jaw, deep in thought.

"Have you been to the Realms?" his voice is guarded.

"No." my voice is weak and I hate it but there is nothing for it. He sees my momentary laps of composure but pretends to be studying his hands, and I am thankful. Pulling myself together, I clear my voice and try again.

"Do you know of anything going on with the Order? The Rakshana? Are they still intent on getting the power?" His law tenses and he clenches and unclenches his hands.

"Yes, they very much still want the power of the Realms. They will make a move and I am afraid that they may have allied themselves together. That is why I have returned to gather information. And…" He stops abruptly, looking away from me. He doesn't look my way when he says the next thing.

"I want to make sure you are safe." My wretched heart beats so much I fear he will hear it but he makes no move, but lets the wind blow his curly hair about his face. At that moment he looks so beautiful my heart aches. He shifts his gaze and locks his eyes to my own: we stay like that, just looking at each other for what seems like an eternity and I finally drop my eyes, looking to the ground.

"Miss Doyle, please be careful. I shall be around." I do not have time to say a farewell, for he is already gone, becoming one with the trees, the wind, everything nature.

I go back to Spence in a relatively quick manner and although I am almost caught by Brigid but I managed to duck behind the staircase at the last moment.

When I am back in the comfort of my own bed it is with great unease: if the Rakshana and the Order ally themselves against me, I am in even more trouble than I first anticipated: together, with their intelligence and connections what is a mere girl?

I shift on my bed, my thoughts drifting to Kartik; these feelings I have are bothersome and not at all good for my state of mind: I know I am wanting something for the very fact that I can't have it but it is still self destructive if I let my feelings intensify. It is best if I forget about him.

Next too me Ann snores and I envy her ignorance, at the very least in her dreams. She looks peaceful, not like the haunted Ann I say in this sleeping Ann's wake. I turn again but sleep does not overcome me and I lay awake, pondering for the rest of the night.

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"Gemma."

"Gemma!"

"If you want soggy porridge for breakfast-again I might add-you go ahead and sleep, otherwise, get up. It is quarter to seven." Ann's dull voice fills my ears and I am forced to open one bleary eye and look around. She has already gotten into her corset and is in the process of fixing her skirt when I sit up, yawning in a very bland manner.

"Gemma you really are vulgar at times." She is looking at me with that little half-smile, as though she could not decide whether to frown or laugh. I wave her off and quickly change into my skirt, smoothing down my top. My hair is its usual, uncooperative mess but before I have time to put it into the customary bun, Ann reaches over and takes something out.

A leaf.

Her eyes bore into my own, questioning but I snatch the leaf from her outstretched fingers, run a hand through my hair and pin it up. As selfish as it is, I want Kartik to remain my secret and mine alone. If I tell her I met him yesterday she will be reminded of the Realms and then she'd be begging to go. So I do not say a word, knowing she is too cowardly to ask.


End file.
